On Love, In Sadness
by papillon-chaotique
Summary: “Birthmarks” missing scene/“The Itch” pre-ep. Chase has re-analyzed not only every last day spent with his father but also every single second spent in this bewildering relationship with Cameron.


TITLE: On Love, In Sadness

RATING: PG

PAIRING: canon Chase/Cameron

SPOILERS: Season 5 – "Birthmarks" & setup for "The Itch"; Season 2 – "Cursed" and "The Mistake"; vague references to other canon moments through the years.

SUMMARY: "Birthmarks" missing scene/"The Itch" pre-ep. Chase has re-analyzed not only every last day spent with his father but also every single second spent in this bewildering relationship with Cameron.

NOTES: I haven't written fanfiction in over four years, as I have to feel a deep connection to the characters before even attempting to voice them properly - and the last time I was this connected (and this drawn to writing), that canon relationship broke my heart. Suffice it to say, I didn't feel like writing again for a very long time. New-found hope for Chase/Cameron, though, has reinvigorated my muse. Hopefully I've done them justice. Immense love and thanks to **enigma731**, whose birthday it is today, for not only being an awesome friend and beta but for also encouraging me to run with this concept and start writing again. Happy birthday, dearest!

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Afternoons like this don't come along nearly often enough in the typically bustling box of painted cement blocks that Cameron calls the ER. She finds it slightly ironic that she's become entirely comfortable with shifts that seem to go on for weeks due to the constant opening of the ambulance bay doors when she's still filled with a swell of mild panic every time she remembers that this concrete box is hers - and hers alone - to maintain without incident.

Daunting? Yes. Fulfilling? Absolutely.

As she finishes double-checking her own handiwork on the cast of a precocious 6-year-old who broke his arm after being pushed from the top bunk by his territorial older brother, Cameron ruffles the child's shaggy auburn hair and turns toward his mother with a smile.

"All set. Just keep an eye on him and make sure he never gets it wet. We'll see him back here in about six weeks to make sure he's properly healed and then remove the cast. He's going to be good as new, I promise," she states in her most reassuring voice, handing the young mom several copies of paperwork. "If you just take these up to the reception desk, they'll get you out of here as soon as possible."

Glancing at the moping pre-teen who's been sitting in the waiting area for almost two hours now, Cameron adds in yet another reminder to keep the smaller boy away from his brother if at all possible, before turning on her heel and walking away in tandem with the nurse.

"And maybe enroll big bro in Anger Management for Pre-Pubescent Brats," Cameron's cohort whispers in her direction, and she can't stop herself from laughing a little as she rolls her eyes. Megan is her favorite nurse in the department and Cameron's closest personal friend on the job since she took over down here last year. They meet for drinks or dinner once a week to gossip about anything at all that doesn't involve work, and Cameron is always happiest when their shifts coincide so that she has a partner in crime to rely on during the madness.

Rifling through the patient files in her arms as they walk toward the lounge, Cameron is sporadically handing some off to Megan to have them removed from the board of current cases when she glances quickly down the hallway that leads to the main hospital lobby and instantly freezes in place. She's immediately thrown off-balance by Megan as she clumsily slams into Cameron's now-standstill form.

"Whoa, what the hell, Al?" Megan questions in amusement as she quickly grabs onto Cameron's wrist to steady them both and stares at her best friend momentarily before following the doctor's distracted gaze toward the entrance.

"Oh. Yeah. That," the young nurse voices flatly as she returns her attention to the files. Cameron's forehead furrows and her eyes narrow in mild concern as she watches her boyfriend leaning against the doorway and staring blankly at his shoes, arms crossed tightly over his chest. "He's been standing there like that for at least half an hour," Megan continues, her tone conveying total apathy. "I figured he was just waiting for you to grab a break or something. Besides, wasn't he just down here at lunch? Either he's getting even more clingy, or he seriously has the most boring job in the hospital."

"Slow day all over," Cameron answers distractedly, never taking her eyes from Chase's scrub-clad form. "He's been _there_ this whole time? Right there?"

"Yep. Can't believe he hasn't moved even a little bit, though. You two fighting or something? Why hasn't he just come in to find you yet like he always does? He usually acts like he half-runs this department, anyway."

Megan's attempt at playful teasing goes unnoticed by Cameron as she slowly hands over the rest of her charts and starts to take a few steps in his direction. "Put those in the lounge for me? I'll be back in a few minutes."

Cameron approaches him tentatively, worried and already convinced that she knows what's bothering him. She's expected this for hours now, ever since Foreman told them about the death of House's father and Chase shocked her by mentioning the death of his own. It's not like she didn't already know - they all know, considering the aftermath that the death of Rowan Chase caused within the hospital - but she's never heard him talk about it outside the confines of his darkened bedroom. She still knows next to nothing about how it's affected him.

But she's certain it does affect him quite deeply, and so it's with great caution that she reaches out a hand toward his shoulder to try and bring him back from whatever realm of his past he's currently lost himself in. "Chase?"

He snaps to attention, confirming her original suspicion that he was previously unaware of the world around him.

"Hey," he answers meekly, barely above a whisper, but plasters on that wide smile she's grown so used to seeing whenever he's thrilled to see her. That very same grin greeted her just a few hours earlier when she rounded the corner by the nurses station to find him, lunch strategically placed before him, comfortably stretched out across two chairs behind the counter. It melts her heart just a little every time, and this is no exception, even though she knows it's actually just a mask this go-round.

Forcing her eyes to twinkle despite the worry hidden underneath, she returns the grin and quietly laughs a little to play along with his attempt at trying to make believe that all is well in his world today. She wants to allow him the chance to open up on his own, perhaps with her help.

Instead, though, he opts for transparent explanations.

"Sorry, I guess my mind wandered off for a second. I was just - I came down to see if you'd heard any updates on Foreman's case, but you were finishing up with a patient when I walked in so I figured I'd wait."

Having ignored her silent window of opportunity to confirm what she already knows is on his mind, playtime is over and the gentle smile fades as Cameron pulls her lower lip momentarily between her teeth before proceeding. "Really? Because Megan says you've been standing here like a statue for almost an hour."

"Megan." His purposeful scoff and matching eye-roll at the mention of Cameron's closest friend are the very definition of dramatic. "I told you she's insufferable. She _tattled_ on me? What is she? Five?"

"Chase. C'mon." She raises one eyebrow pointedly, letting him know telepathically that she's onto him and expects the truth now. "Were you just going to linger in my doorway all afternoon?"

He's not ready to be brutally honest with her just yet, still scared – as always – that too much truth and vulnerability will cause her to laugh in his face. This is Cameron, though, and he knows deep down that his fear is unfounded. She's the last person in the world who would react to someone's pain in such a way, and so he forces himself to allow some middle ground for now. Remaining silent to maintain some semblance of rebellion against her efforts, he chooses instead to drop the physical part of his façade as he meets her eyes once more so that she can actually recognize the torment inside. "This about your dad?"

His head falls back against the wall behind him as his eyes snap closed and he sighs heavily, nodding. Chase feels the flutter of her gentle fingertips as she lightly brushes the hair from his face and then drops her hand to take hold of his. Tugging just a little to regain his full attention, Cameron waits until he meets her eyes again before whispering, "Let's go."

He almost wants to argue and tell her to let him be, but he knows he only came down here in the first place because he was hoping she would do exactly this: notice and care. And so he moves alongside her, hand still clutching hers, as she leads him to one of the many empty curtain areas on the floor and directs him to lie down on the bed. Chase shoots her a questioning look and Cameron patiently smiles in return. "I know exhaustion when I see it. You're thinking too hard." He can't exactly bring himself to fight her on that diagnosis, so he compromises once more by at least taking a seat.

"Would you just lie down?" she huffs in annoyance at his passive-aggressive refusal to hand over complete control for the moment. "Close your eyes for a minute. Try to relax. I have to go sign a few discharge orders, but I'll be right back," she tells him before squeezing his hand one more time and walking away with a sympathetic glance over her shoulder.

Once she's out of sight, he finally does lie back onto the bed and allow his eyes to fall shut. The constant murmurs from around the department start to lull him into a quiet peace before suddenly he's brought back to reality by a screech of metal-on-metal that he knows is the curtain being pulled closed, followed almost instantly by the sensation of the thin mattress dipping beside his left hip. Peeking out of one eye, Chase sees Cameron crawling up next to him and shifts his body entirely to the right a little to offer her more space on the tiny bed. Feeling her settle in beside him, Chase finally opens both eyes and stares up at the water-damaged ceiling panels as she simultaneously stares down into his soul. Cameron doesn't say anything for a long time - just watches him intently and waits expectantly for him to extend an invitation into his thoughts. Seconds pass like hours, and he's starting to feel like her gaze is burning a hole straight through to the other side of his skull. Still, he says nothing and Cameron finally surrenders her role in this silent standoff.

"Talk to me. Please."

"It doesn't matter," he tries to assure the ceiling panels, but knows he's unconvincing as he feels her inhaling deeply and watches as she shakes her head just slightly from the corner of his eye.

"Yes, it does. You wouldn't have been sulking in my hallway if it were nothing. You expect me to believe you weren't waiting for me to find you and ask you what's wrong?"

Chase feels his own heart skip a beat at hearing this, receiving confirmation she doesn't even know he's been seeking as to whether or not she actually knows him at all. Obviously, at least in some ways, she does. Either that, or he's just far too predictable. He really wouldn't be surprised to find out that it's more the latter than the former, and that thought alone is enough to keep him lying, stubborn in his resolve to make her prove she even deserves to know the painful truth at all.

"I hated him, you know? And he's been dead a long time now, and I skipped the funeral, so whether or not there's anything else to be said about it really doesn't matter anymore. There's no point to it. What's happening with House just got me thinking about what a rotten bastard my own dad was, okay? Just leave it alone."

Cameron knows every word out of his mouth is a lie, but she also knows a huge part of him probably wishes it _were_ the truth so that he wouldn't have to hide from the anguish of his own reality - whatever that reality happens to be. She has no idea what has him so twisted up inside, but she does know that she's not going to let him get away with hiding it from her yet again. Shifting minutely, she hovers her face directly above his so that their eyes are locked and avoiding her gaze is no longer an option for him.

"When are you finally going to start trusting me? Do you actually think we can keep going on like this if we don't have a little faith in each other to stick around when we're at our most vulnerable? You have to let me in, Chase…"

She keeps staring at him without even blinking, but the intensity in her eyes has softened a great deal and he can't bring himself to look away from the deep longing that he's almost certain he recognizes there. As Cameron begins lightly tracing her forefinger in and out of the hollow of his throat, her eyes cast downward to follow her own movements and he suddenly wonders what more he's expecting her to say and do to prove that she really is concerned for him as more than just another damaged soul for her to heal.

Chase inhales slowly, heavily, and rubs a hand over his face before deciding to grant her even deeper access into his vault of blackened secrets. "When he came here a few years ago, he wasn't just here to seek treatment. He came to try and make things right between us, and I just kept cutting him off at every pass."

The breathy tone of Cameron's voice in response almost solidifies the lump that has been slowly growing inside his throat since the moment he started speaking. "You didn't know that's why he was here, Chase. You can't blame yourself for that."

"No, I didn't know," he agrees, "but when I found out he had died, and that he had been sick that whole time, I suddenly understood it all. And I still refused to fly down for the funeral. The man was dead and I still chose to hold a grudge over being kept out of the loop instead of taking my one last chance to say a real goodbye."

He struggles to take a deep breath without faltering, feeling as though he could physically choke on the regret of it all, but finds the strength to continue when Cameron rests her head on the spot above his heart and wraps an arm tightly around his waist.

"I never hated him. I didn't. I wanted things to be better between us. The last time I ever saw him, I had decided to try. But I decided too late, and he never even told me he was – if I had known…"

"I know," she whispers as his words linger, unfinished, in the air around them. She doesn't, really, but it's what she's suspected all along and to hear it finally confirmed feels like floodgates of progress opening wide to make way for a long-awaited downpour of honesty in their relationship.

"Um, Dr. Cameron?" The deep yet tentative voice is filtered slightly by the fabric of the curtain surrounding them until suddenly that metallic screeching returns and both Chase and Cameron know they've been found. "Excuse me..."

The two blonds on the hospital bed shift in a coordinated effort, Cameron sitting up just slightly, to spot the owner of the offending voice who has just so rudely interrupted their moment of personal growth.

"Charlie, am I not clearly on my break right now?" She inwardly cringes at her own pathetically lame attempt at scolding the eager young intern. Of course she's always happy to assist them, but this particular new kid on the ER block has a knack for needing her help at the most inopportune moments.

"Yeah, I know, and I'm sorry. Hi, Dr. Chase," Charlie half-waves in his direction, trying not to appear as uncomfortable as he actually is at knowing he's walked in on an obviously private moment between his new boss and her boyfriend. "It's just, you always say we should consult you first before calling out for extra-departmental assistance, and I think my patient may need a bed in psych."

Cameron sighs in defeat as she turns her head back toward Chase and rests her forehead against his momentarily. "I'm sorry." He nods almost imperceptibly, eyes closed once more, and she finds herself silently begging him not to shut down on her again. "Stay here? I'll be right back. I promise."

Again, his nod is almost undetectable save for the fact that she can feel it against her own skin, and she's up and off the bed in a flash. Chase can hear her mumbling to Charlie as they walk away that this had better be a legitimate psych consult, and her irritation at being pulled away from him is almost enough to convince Chase that he's not entirely alone in this relationship.

As he lies entirely still awaiting Cameron's promised return, Chase's thoughts shift between his regrets about his father, to his insecurities over his girlfriend's mixed signals, and then back again. By the time she returns and, leaving the curtain open this time, seats herself on the rolling doctor's stool beside his bed instead of climbing in beside him again, it's been nearly thirty minutes. In all this time, Chase has re-analyzed not only every last day spent with his father but also every single second spent in this bewildering relationship with Cameron. He knows, though, that she quite simply may never feel for him on the level that he's always felt for her, and for now he's just happy to know she's still concerned enough to return to his side and listen in for more.

Chase watches closely as she shifts her weight on the tiny, leather stool and leans forward to rest her arms on the mattress beside his head, leaving her face just inches from his and steeling herself for the possibility that he's no longer going to agree to talk.

"I failed him," he states clearly, catching her off-guard, and swallows roughly. "The last thing he wanted in his life was to know that I actually cared, and I couldn't even bother showing up to his bloody funeral to prove to him that it was true. I spent over half my life angry with him for disappointing me, and in the end I just returned the favor. I loved him – I really did love him, but I've never wanted to be like him, and I've just... I've failed."

Cameron can physically feel her heart constricting as she watches the tears well up in his eyes, and she has to force herself not to embarrass him by pointing out that sometimes it's healthy to cry.

"Babe..." she manages with aching tenderness, "you are _not_ a failure. And you're not like him, either, okay? You're not, Chase."

His head shakes back and forth with vehemence and he's staring at those watermarks on the ceiling again. "I am. I'm just like him. I back out of any situation that might actually involve too much effort at the risk of getting hurt, just like he did when he walked out on my mum and me. I promised myself I'd never repeat his mistakes, but I - I'm just like him."

"No, you're not. That's not true, Chase. You don't turn and run just because something important to you gets challenging or looks impossible. Hey, look at me," she voices strongly, reaching out slightly to grab his chin and turn his face into hers. "Would I even be here if that were true? Do you really think this last year together would have even happened at all if that were true? You and me, Chase... this whole thing started specifically because you _don't_ slink away from a challenge. It's not really your style, if you ask me. Your M.O. is more along the lines of incessantly reminding that challenge every Tuesday that you simply refuse to believe it's impossible," she tacks on with a brilliantly nostalgic smile, and Chase can't help the upward twitch that the memory causes at the corners of his own mouth.

"You've never failed me once, babe. And I'm sure your dad doesn't think you failed him either."

Chase holds her gaze for a short second before raising himself up to rest against his elbows, causing Cameron to push herself upward and off the mattress as well so that she can see his face. She re-adjusts her arms on top of the bed sheet, digging her own elbows into the mattress and resting her chin atop clasped hands.

"I don't get you sometimes," says Chase with a playful tone to try and cover up the actual confusion her overtly caring words toward him have caused once again. "Half the time you're complaining that I always have to get my way, but then you sit here and tell me that my persistence is the only reason you're with me to begin with? Mind games, Ally. You may just be the champion of them all."

Her eyes sparkle and shine over playful banter that she can definitely dish out in return, and she's actually thrilled to hear him teasing her now instead of tormenting himself over things she knows she'll never fully comprehend. "It's not the _only_ reason I'm with you. Don't be a baby."

Chase grins only slightly, knowing she is completely in the dark about just how deeply his insecurities run when it comes their relationship. "It's not? Then why else are you with me, exactly?"

"Maybe I just think you have great taste in women," she counters with a wink, still not ready to let him know the real level of importance this dance they do holds in the grand scope of her life. "You want to stay at my place tonight? We can rent a movie, grab some Thai on the way home - keep your mind off of everything?"

As is his custom anymore when it comes to invitations for nights at her apartment, Chase declines. "I think I actually want to sleep in my own bed tonight. The comfort of your own surroundings and all that psychobabble, I guess."

It's a lie, and Cameron knows it, but she still hasn't figured out just why he's been refusing to stay at her place for so long now that she's lost count of how many negative RSVPs she's actually received. "You want me to come over, then?" she questions cautiously, tilting her head a little upon her hands as if changing the angle of her eye line will allow her better access to his thoughts.

"You don't have to do that," is his immediate response as his baby-blues quickly dart away from her penetrating gaze and down toward his own feet once again.

"Hey," she whispers, and he glances back – blue into green - to find her watching him with purpose. "I know I don't have to. I want to. Shocking as it may sound coming from your own girlfriend, I do like being around you sometimes. I'll stop off and grab dinner after I run home and pack some clean clothes, okay? I'll even let you pick the movie this time."

Chase smiles hopefully and nods, touched by her adamant insistence over being there all night to keep him company in case the demon of regret should rear its ugly head again. He knows that, at the very least, she truly does care about him, and, for now, that's still enough.

Leaning away from the bed and back onto her stool completely, Cameron wraps her right hand around his, still flat on the mattress, and moves her left hand to his hair to run her fingers through it haplessly. Out of the corner of his eye, Chase can see Foreman approaching from far across the ER, and the sudden stilling of Cameron's movements confirms that she's noticed him, too.

"Looks like an update from the land of diagnostics," she says with just a hint of excitement in her voice as she kisses his forehead gently and removes her hand from his hair, preparing to re-enter doctor mode once again.

"Hey Foreman, what's up?"


End file.
